So you have to present... (Part 1)

An essential component of research is the lab meeting. Its the perfect opportunity for you to get up and share your work with a knowledgeable and experienced supervisor, who in turn uses that knowledge to tear you a new one, pointing out glaring holes in your experimental design that should have come up three meetings ago. It is also the chance to show your valued adviser the product of all your tireless hard work. However, that would result in a very short meeting.

Don't worry. No one in academia actually does much work. If your boss was that productive, they wouldn't be holding this stupid meeting to begin with. Its really just an excuse to have a nice hour-long buffer before the day starts, which can be extended by asking ridiculous questions that gives them more time to enjoy their coffee. Why waste their time with five slides on "Future Work"? The following are far more enjoyable ways to pass the morning hours, which will ensure you are never asked to present again. I tried to make them general enough for those with non-science jobs.

1) The Pump-up: Put together a Power Point detailing your workout routine, complete with maximum bench press and tasteful gym pictures. If your boss begins to ask a question, challenge them to an arm wrestling match.

2) The Experiment: Experiments not working? Go for a sure thing! The Volcano has been wowing your superiors since before you could properly pronounce the word "banana." Pause for ooo's and aah's as you recreate a foamy Mt Vesuvius, complete with doomed, plastic toy soldiers. Advances in modern science has even rendered the paper mache mountain obsolete; one only needs a 2-liter bottle of diet coke and mentos to get the job done. Other favorites include the Mini-Cyclone and Dancing Raisin. Its also the perfect way to illuminate and dazzle the mind at your next deposition or proposal.

3) The Psych Out: Come to the meeting donned in a home-made aluminum foil hat. Gently inform your supervisor that they can no longer read your mind. Spend the remainder of the meeting staring them down, bonus points if you can make your nose bleed. If at any point your hat falls off, clutch your head and scream, "Get out! Get out!" Proceed to exit.